Published Writing of Mine

Many of you know, this month is a hard one for me. It is the first anniversary of Knox's death, and I have been struggling with the anxiety of how I am going to feel about it. I know, a weird thing to be anxious about, but I'm doing okay- and I know I'll be okay now. I can say, up to this point, second from those first two days, of find and losing him- August 18th was definetely the most difficult.

NW Sids Alliance & Infant Survival asked me to write a small bit for their newsletter about this first year. I was happy to do so, even if it makes me cry just to read it (still).

I wanted to share the link.

Go ahead, and click here- it will open a PDF of the August Newsletter.

Thanks so much to everyone who reads my posts about Knox. I know it's a really difficult topic for most people, and a lot of people don't know how to react or what to say. My little story for NW SIDS should help you all to know how SIDS parents feel in regards to their lost children.

:-) Enjoy and Thank You to NWSIDS for allowing me to do this. I think it's really helping me heal and grow as a person!

Dawn

That Big Green Tractor was published!

My Short Story, about my struggle after Knox died is summed up in my short story, That Big Green Tractor. I have entered it for publication, and wrote it specifically for a book that is in the early stages of publishing that will be called 'From Lullabies to Goodbyes'. It is directed for families who are dealing with the loss of an infant to Sudden Infant Death Syndrome.

I was lucky enough to find out that a girlfriend of mine, had lost a brother to SIDS when she was younger. Her mother is the Executive Director of the NW Infant Survial & SIDS Alliance. It's always crazy how those thing come to light after something terrible happens. Her mother asked if I would allow them to post my short story to their website as a resource for other bereaved families. Of course, I said 'yes!'

I wanted to share that it could be viewed on their site www.nwsids.org . If you scroll down the page some, below the masquarade auction information, you will see the title 'That Big Green Tractor'.

I invite you to read it!

Walk N Rock @ Safeco Field in Seattle

Today, the Walk n Rock for the TEARS foundation took place. I've been looking forward to this since I heard about it, and can say I wasn't prepared for my emotions today! All was good in the world with me this morning (except for the fact that my baby is gone... and Krispy Kreme made a HORRIBLE mocha, but nbd there).

Below is Adam and Zoe, holding hands and walking in front of me... and I couldn't help but get a couple photos of daddy and Zoe.

As soon as Knox's little photo came up on the big screen at Safeco Field, I instantly burst into tears. The field was lined with butterflies; they had one name per butterfly and had the name on one baby who had died.

A good friend of mine, Danielle lost her daughter Kailey Pearl, at 34 weeks. They were not helped by the TEARS foundation, because they didn't know about it, but they had Team Kailey Pearl today, and walked along with us, Team Knox.

This is Noah, he is a friend of mine's son, adorable little guy. His mom and I were both pregnant together, and Noah is about two months or so younger than Knox. He came with his momma to walk with us for his friend in heaven.

At the Walk N Rock, the total raised for the TEARS foundation, to help other families who will lose children soon.... $52,000.00! Amazing! If each family recieves 500, like we did that is over 100 families. I am amazed everytime I see Sarah Slack, the founder as well as a parent who lost a child- the compassion that is just her never fails to amaze me. She is an amazing and compassionate woman who truely is blessed with the ability to help other people every day.

Thank you Sarah for putting on an amazing function, and I'm so glad we got to be a part of it!

Big Card order, and update!

I know I haven't been blogging as much as usual about my crafty stuff... I wanted to share with you all why, and what I've been working on!
If we are facebook friends, you know I recently got a GIANT order for 500 cards through my Etsy Sale Site, and I need to get them shipped before I leave for Maui, on the 4th of July.

I've been busting my butt to get those done. I've hooked a few photos of what they are emerging to look like on here. Below is a close up of the cards. There are about 5 different patterns, since it is somewhat difficult to come across 100 sheets of the same 12X12 patterned paper. They all have this same saying on them though.

'The Purpose of Life is to Discover your gift. The Meaning of life is to give it away'

Below is a photo of what 500 card bases (without buttons yet) look like all stacked up. And, yes. that is a bag of Frosted Flakes to the right, because Zoe has been in 'helping' me and is a constant muncher, I feed her off with cereal! lol.

I am making these for a volunteer organization in FL- so the saying is just about perfect to give to people who specialize in helping others.

I am really working hard to get all of these finished up today, so I can mail them later today, or Monday at the latest. For some reason, Zoe is being quite a whiner today so I'm not sure how sucessful it will be. We have lunch plans with my mom, and the Walk n Rock is tomorrow at Safeco Field. Feel free to hop on over to the Team Knox page, or check out Knox's Story as I updated it with some photos and whatnot. For those of you, who haven't donated to Team Knox yet- THERE IS STILL TIME!

I am also going to bribe you and say that anyone who makes any donation to Team Knox... I will send you some FREE handmade cards, just email me when you make the donation with your address so I can ship them at my personal cost to you! I don't know exactly what yet, but probably a combination of Happy Birthday and Thinking of You cards. :-)

Recipe:

(makes 6 cards)

for this specific card (in most of the photos, with the blue background and maroon floral pattern)

1 sheet 12X12 Making memories 'delaney floral' print paper, cut into 4X5.25 pieces

3 sheets 8.5X11 Kraft Cardstock, cut hot dog style (11X 4.25) and folded in half (to form a 5.5X4.25 card)

Embroidery Floss, your choice of color- I used brown

6 pretty buttons

6 copies of the phrase you wish to use

corner rounder

1. fold the 4X5.25 piece of kraft cardstock in half, round the lower right hand corner of both front and back of kraft cardstock. It should have the crease on the TOP of the card (lengthwise).

2. with each of the 6 patterned papers (cut to 4X5.25") round the lower right hand corner.

3. adhere patterned paper to kraft card.

4. adhere your phrase/saying to the front of the card, towards the upper left side.

5. tie the embroidery floss around the front of the card, making a small knot to hold it snug around the card front.

6. thread the embroidery floss through two of the button holes, and make a little double knot to hold it there as well. snip off the excess floss, leaving as much as you'd like to dangle.

7. sit back and enjoy this beautiful card!

Have an awesome day, and by next week I should be back on my normal daily blogging routine! I will be in Hawaii (Maui) on my honeymoon July 4th through the 11th-- so I may not do any blogging that week. We will see! we're going to be doing lots og hiking and sight seeing, so I'm hoping to have some amazing photographs to share. I also will get to shoot my first wedding, on the black beach on Maui, so I can't wait to share those memories as well!

Miss You Like Crazy

Today, I've been working around the house.

Zoe is being such a sweetie for me (which is a shock, really)!

I am doing some Walk n Rock Stuff, trying to get the last minute family members signed up, and wrangle in as many last minute donations as I can.

My mind is flooded with thoughts of Knox today.

You got here, and my heart just KNEW how to love you.

when you left so quickly, my heart never learned how to live without you.

i don't think it will ever know how to.

i can claim that I would be happy with just one more day with you.

At least I could properly tell you goodbye and how i love you so.

One more day wouldn't be enough.

I have a whole lifetime of memories I see you making in my mind that I won't get to watch. Crawling, walking and more laughing.

your few weeks of laughing is not fair.

you deserved 90 years more of those laughs.

there won't be a day in my life i don't think about you or cry for you.

most friends and family dont see the tears stream down my cheeks at least once a day, usually more but i cry everyday-- i miss you so much.

Today, it just hurts to breathe.

I miss you so much.

nothing can ever change the pain my heart feels

People have asked 'why don't you have another baby?'

Knox, you know why: nothing and no one can ever replace the love I have for you.

Mommy loves you to the moon and back, that will never change. No matter how long I have to suffer without you, I will do it and can't wait to see you again.

Love you buddy,

Mommy

Walk N Rock At Safeco Field

While I've been busy working away at the barn , playing with Zoe, papercrafting and procrastinating with wedding planning (yea, that's right it IS in two weeks!) The Walk N Rock snuck up on me!

Team Knox is the team we set up in memory of our little guy, to help the TEARS Foundation to raise more funds to help other families in need. Knox's story can be read here. Also, there was a story done about the TEARS Foundation in which King 5 News & Sarah Slack, the founder asked us to be a part of. The clip can be watched here-- about halfway down the post.

With the Walk N Rock coming up June 26th, we will be there raising money and supporting the TEARS Foundation during the walk. Knox's photos are going to be up on the wall, as well as on the big screen!

If you are local, and free that day, I would LOVE for you to join our team, and come walk with us. For the $10 registration fee you will recieve a tee shirt that will say you are part of 'Team Knox'. Go ahead and click this link - and you can put in your information to sign up!

If you can't walk with us, I would love it if any of you could make even a tiny (or big if you can!) donation to our team. I set our goal amount a little way little higher than I thought we could, and intend to bug the hell out of everyone to get as close as possible.

Your donation is 100% TAX DEDUCTIBLE! Please remember this, and ---- FORWARD THIS ON TO ANYONE WHO HAS HAD CHILDREN OR YOU THINK WOULD BE INTERESTED IN KNOX'S STORY OR WEBSITE!!

Thanks everyone, and can't wait to hear from you, and see lots of you in the next few weeks!

Dawn, Adam & Zoe

Donations can be made here:- www.firstgiving.com/teamknox

Knox's Garden

Finally, I've gotten Knox's Memorial Garden into good shape. I've been keeping my eye open for a tree that won't get too large (since we rent) I can take with us if we ever move (although, I LOVE our house and where we live!) and my mom recently found a magnolia she loves, and although I adore them, and love how they bloom, it would grow too quickly for the tiny little garden.

The neighbor was over with her grandson, and during our chitchatting over the kids, I ended up telling her how her grandson, is roughly Knox's age. Which for her, kind of explained why we have a (sort-of) creepy little angel in the front garden as well as a pretty stone with some wording on it. She generously offered up a Japanese Maple that has been living in a pretty ceramic pot over at her house, but she mentioned she never found anywhere she fell in love with putting it. She has a gorgeous yard, and beautiful plants, so I don't know how she didn't find a place, but I ended up with a pretty Japanese Maple, and it looks amazing in the garden. After looking around online tonight, I think it might be some sort of an 'Orange Dream' Maple. Not sure though!

I can be honest here; I'm not religious much at all, I'm pretty open to what happens when we die. Don't get me wrong, I judge no one regarding religion, I have no reason to believe that anyone or anything is wrong. I know there is SOMETHING bigger, and SOMETHING great to look forward too and I will be with my little boy (daughter and soon to be husband) somewhere after I die- but until then, I'll keep my eyes, ears and heart open for something I feel 100% confident in. I've read a lot of books since Knox died, one being The Blue Poppy & the Mustard Seed: A Mother's Story of Loss and Hope by Kathleen Willis Morton and the Dharma she talks about really makes sense to me, I'm a very organic/naturalist type person. I also think that I've read some good Christian based books that were beneficial but a little too religious/preachy for my tastes. One of those books is 'I'll Hold You in Heaven' by Jack Hayford. I really am all about the saying- 'To Each Their Own' and the whole 'Live and Let Live' thing. People really need to just do and believe in what makes them happy. After such a large tragedy, I am a total beliver in something bigger, but I'm open to learn and talk, but not be preached to.

The stone reads:

'A gift for such a little while,

your loss just seems so wrong,

you should not have left before us,

it's with loved ones you belong.'

There are three Hydrangeas, that aren't in bloom right now in the garden (I know, they'll get bigger each year!) I planted LOTS of bulbs, that I'm just waiting to see what they are because I've since forgotten. The crocus came and went, and were adorable popping out over all the weeds that had taken over in the winter.

My favorite poem to end with:

'Perhaps they are not stars in the sky, but rather openings where our loved ones shine down to let us know they are happy.'

TEARS Foundation, and the upcoming Walk and Rock!

Baby Knox @ 38 weeks or so. Ultrasound taken at Sonosite Ultrasounds in Bothell, WA.

Imagine planning and setting up a nursery for a child you’ve expected for nine months. You spend as much time and money as you can to have every necessity for when you get to bring your bundle of joy home, and be as prepared for them as possible. Many people take time off of work to become familiar with their new child and very few get paid for the 6-12 weeks they take off to recover from childbirth and caring for a newborn as they prepare to go back into the workforce.

Our First Family Photo with our healthy baby boy and his big sister.

Now, imagine that you’ve done this and then you didn’t get to bring your precious baby home with you, or you get home and use the resources you’ve lined up to have your precious baby die due to one reason or another. You now have to continue with your life, with no child to cuddle and hold; stressed about finances because your baby has died. This is a reality for many families in our communities.

I am making this blog post to tell you about the TEARS Foundation. This is a foundation that helps families out in their worst and most difficult times. I can tell you from experience that losing a child is the most horrible thing that a parent can ever endure. On top of this emotional burden, there is the added financial stress of planning and paying for a funeral or memorial service along with cremation or burial costs associated with the death. Knox and his big sister, Zoe Summer 2009.

All this; after you’ve exhausted yourself financially for this wonderful gift to arrive! Unfair, cruel and devastating are only a few of the words I can use to describe the feelings that a newly bereaved parent feels.

This is a short segment about the TEARS Foundation, that was filmed by King 5 News in Seattle, and we were lucky enough to be included in their story.

I am familiar with the TEARS Foundation because on August 17th of 2009, I found my infant son, Knox unresponsive and unconscious in his bassinet during his afternoon nap. After a long struggle to save him myself; being transported by ambulance to Providence Everett Medical Center, and airlifted to Seattle Children’s Hospital; Knox died from his extensive injuries while Sudden Infant Death Syndrome stole his life. On top of our roller coaster ride of discovering my child dead in his bed, being resuscitated by E.M.T.s, fighting to live in the Pediatric Intensive Care Unit and eventually dying we now needed to plan how we were going to pay for his cremation and memorial service. We had, like so many other unprepared families used a very large portion of our savings on preparing to add another precious child into the family; buying a crib, clothes, diapers and other necessities and left us with very little for such a large cost, so suddenly. The TEARS Foundation stepped in, and paid for about half of Knox’s memorial service and cremation costs. Had they not helped, our four-month-old son may have sat for days or weeks in the funeral home until we could organize the funds to cremate his little body and bring him home one last time. We are blessed enough to have such amazing families that were able to cover the remaining costs beyond what the TEARS Foundation weren't able to cover.

Our family at the March of Dimes, March for Babies May 2009, Knox was the youngest 'walker' there at only two weeks old!

The TEARS Foundation is a local (Washington State Based) 501c(3) non-profit organization that seeks to assist bereaved parents with the financial expenses they face in making the final arrangements for their precious baby who has died. Many of the founders and volunteers at the TEARS Foundation have experienced the loss of their own baby, and want to reach out in this way to support newly bereaved families in their devastating time of sorrow. The TEARS Foundation relies on donations from caring people and businesses in order to have sufficient funds on hand to offer assistance as needed.



Through this tragedy in my life, I am determined to help other families who have lost children. Many people, grandparents and parents alike do not realize that premature birth, birthing problems, Sudden Infant Death Syndrome, many types of illness and cancers actually do kill thousands of babies in our Country each year. I am posting this up to ask if you would be willing or able to make a fully tax-deductible donation to the TEARS Foundation to help other devastated families make it through the hardest days of their lives.




Please check out the TEARS Foundation’s website: www.TheTEARSFoundation.org to learn more about them. We are taking part in their annual 'Walk and Rock' at Safeco Field, in Seattle on June 26th just days after our wedding to support their cause and earn donations towards their amazing cause. Feel free to look at Knox's Team site, and donate their if you wish to. You can also see his videos, photos of read his story in more detail.

I hope you enjoy the videos of our little guy during his time on this earth! We miss him dearly, and I wanted to share the last photo I ever got to take of him, before heading out shopping with him and his big sister that afternoon. This photo is from Sunday August 16th, 2009. I found him unresponsive August 17th, and he passed August 18th.

Knox, Sunday August 16th 2009 headed to the Northgate Mall with mom to meet Auntie Jessica!

Again, any donations are appreciated! www.firstgiving.com/teamknox