We started 'trying' for a baby when Zoe was about 10 months old. In the first month of trying, I was shocked to find out we were pregnant! We saw him for the first time on ultrasound on September 17th 2008, one day before my 22nd birthday. He was the best birthday present I could have asked for. We found out he was a little boy on November 28th 2008. I had a really hard pregnancy with him, and was sick a lot of the time, but it was worth every minute of it, and every vomit!
Knox was born April 10th, 2009 @ 7:05am after about 12 hours of labor. He was 8lb 11oz and has a big sister, Zoe who is almost 2. She is an amazing big sister and loves her little brother with her whole heart. For the first few weeks after coming home, she would constantly ask in her little squeeky two year old voice 'what is that?!' and point at him. The photo of her looking at him in the hospital was the first time she'd done it, and it rarely stopped.
From a week or so on, they were bonded like crazy. Mommy couldn't go anywhere without 'Knaw' and Zoe wouldn't leave his sight unless she was tricked or bribed with goodies or treats.
He was taken, still unresponsive to Providence Hospital in Everett, WA where his heart was brought back to beating, although they could never get him to breathe on his own. He was airlifted to Seattle Children's Hospital where they did everything possible to get him back. After hear the news that he had 'very little chance' of surviving, we and the staff continued to pray and give him our 110% hope and fight. At about 4am, the next morning his liver began shutting down and was not processing the medicines well. He stopped urinating because his kidneys were not functioning also. We asked if he was in any pain, and they gave him a medicine to see if his nervous system would react (my muscle reactions or eye spasms) and nothing could get him to move or react. After a long talk to family, the doctors and quite time with our little boy, we decided to let him rest and go be with God. We are not overly religious, but I know that my baby boy is in heaven with all the other family that was waiting there to take care of him until I get to see him again. Adam was very adament about never saying good-bye to our baby, we just told him we'd see him soon in heaven and we couldn't wait to see him again.
There is a short story about my struggle as a mother, from finding him, through my day to day thoughts to make me the person I am now, a year later. It has been published by the NW Infant Survival & SIDS Alliance of Washington State, and is up for possible publishing in an upcoming book for bereaved families that will be titled 'From Lullabies to Goodbyes.' It can be read on the Page titled 'That Big Green Tractor'.
