Him.

Last night, I dreamt of him again.

It’s been a long while since I’ve seen him in my dreams and it was clear as day. It’s evident that my whole mindset has been spiraling around the idea of him with the loss of Bigfoot. 

Sometimes when I’m quiet, I wonder where we do go. I know that the elaborate kingdom is the location for us. Where we are greeted by those we love and miss. I just wonder if there has to be something more. 

How is someone so far away, yet so close to our minds. 

I can feel him around me some days. Today was hard. It’s been almost 9 years and it still feels like the wound was scrubbed clean and is freshly bleeding after being so close to touching him in my sleep. My chin quivers and my eyes wetten at the thought that I was so close to touching him again, but couldn’t. 

For years, I’ve sworn him off. I’ve asked, I’ve prayed and I’ve cried for him to not visit me in my dreams because I just couldn’t take the pain of waking up. I can’t leave him behind anymore. Waking up is only possible because of the two living angels and the man who just sort of ‘gets’ the kind of crazy I have. 

Once I awaken from a night with him; the day seems to hurt more. We jump back to my psychotic nightly crying in 2010. I see glimpses of myself then, and I know I’m a stronger woman now. 

How strong am I really if I can’t make it through a day without breaking down after spending a small amount of time with him. 

I find myself moody. I’m testy. Touchy even. Nothing is right. No one can do things that are right. Nothing makes me forget about seeing him last night. Every thought, every action reminds me of how close I was to seeing him. 

Maybe tonight will bring another visit. I’m not sure I’m ready.