Wednesday, August 18, 2010

It's been one year now, since I held my baby.


If I could talk to you, and tell you how I feel I would tell you all the things I miss seeing you do. Laughing, feeding you, laying on the floor with you taking pictures of you, feeling you snuggle up to me and being content not knowing what it's like it miss a child.

Today, you've been gone for one year. It's been 365 days since I smelled your skin, kissed your nose and rubbed your feet. It's been 12 months since I got to see your smile. It's been a long road buddy, and I wish that SIDS never stole you. I wish I would have walked into that room 5 minutes earlier and woken you up from your nap instead of getting your sister down for her nap before checking on you. I wish we'd chosen to head to grandma's for the day to cool off and hang out there. Maybe you'd still be alive. I know I can't change anything, and I know that dwelling on things will only make my missing you hurt more.

I know I'm going to make it, since I'm not bawling while I type away. Your sister is still sleeping, and we're going to pick blueberries today with friends. I know I'll be thinking about you all day long; and missing you never stops hurting. I know you are watching over all of us, I feel like I've seen you around me, and I've surely felt you around me, especially in the past few weeks. If you were still around, you wouldn't be so little anymore. You'd be walking, talking and running along with your sister, you would probably still sleeping and mommy would too. I don't think I'd be up yet, if I wasn't thinking so much about you today.

Last week, at Michaels (thats that craft store you went to a million times) I saw a woman with a baby who looked identical to you when you were itsy bitsy. It took every ounce of strength I had not to start crying when I saw him. She was such a good mom, so loving with him and talking to him through each step she made of shopping. He was beautiful. The same blue eyes, and I swear to you- the same nose exactly. For just a minute, I saw myself talking to you when we got to take a rare lone trip anywhere, just Mommy and Knox. I really miss those trips.


Kristina H said...

I really don't know what to say, only that I am thinking of you today.

Maureen Reiss said...

I;m soooo sorry for your loss. Never think it was your fault, SIDS is a blameless thing. It just happens. Always hold on to your memories and smile for the time you had together. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Lauren B. said...

Thinking of you today.

DoubleClick Connections said...

My thoughts are with you today...

Kricut Tangee said...

Friends of ours lost their 6 week old to SIDS in April. I'm so sorry for your loss but wanted to tell you that was a beautiful letter you wrote Knox. Thank you for sharing it.

Love and hugs,