I've known this day was coming for a year now, and for the past 8 months, I have wondered how I would feel about it. I'm still not sure. I don't think any parent is ever ready to have their child's birthday come, and go again without any giddy little kid waiting for cake, and presents.
This time last year, I was on the phone with my mom asking her to come on over and babysit Zoe for the night, because I was SURE this time, the baby was coming. Knox was coming and he was going to be in the world at some point tonight, of last year. I walked and walked to throw my butt into labor and get him into the world... I always have been over eager to hold my babies!
15 hours later, after being admitted into triage, Knox made it into the world with a few issues, but overall he was a healthy little guy.
My world crashed, when he suddenly died in August. The diagnosis was SIDS, and apparently I found him soon enough of his breathing stopping that the paramedics and doctors could bring back his fragile little heart, and make it work again. He was airlifted, on life sustaining support to Seattle Children's Hospital where he died from his bodies damage that just couldn't be repaired. SIDS stole him.
Tomorrow is his birthday, he would be 1 today. I would be decorating our house, calling friends and making sure everything was still on and wrapping presents last minute before his party would start.
There isn't a moment in the day, when I don't wonder what it would be like for him to be with me. Running errands, wiping noses and butts and making silly faces in the rear view mirror to see their smiles.